Tuesday, July 6, 2010
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
SOmetimes, I just wish I could change the way I look. I want to make myself exactly how I want to look. I would change my width(actually bone structure) and I would make my freckles fade (at least the ones on my body) my faced freckles are fine. I would make my eyes brighter. I'd lose fat and tone my body and I would make my hair longer with more depth to the color....I'd also make my chin regular ( I has a slight butt chin :/...)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Just one of those days
Today I woke up crying. It was one of those nightmares where everything actually seemed so real...until I woke up and realized how weird it was. But usually I can't do certain things in my dreams, such as use the phone, or drive or really open doors. I could do those things...
So in my dream I came home from school and my sisters were talking and they both were crying. My one sister was trying to explain things to me. She was saying that she had gone to the doctors finally(she has mo insurance so she hasn't gone in a while) she said that the doctor told her bad news. I started panicking. She was tip toeing around it and I was trying to make seem OK in my mind but I knew it was horrible. Then my other sister said we need to be straight with her. So SHE told me. "Sammie is going to die." She had some sort of heart disease that was killing her very quickly. I asked how long she had and they said Two weeks.
I kept trying to stop it. I wanted to figure out how to save her before the two weeks ended. The dream was horrible and I still have that sick feeling. and I wont see her until tomorrow so...I guess I shall just feel this way.
So in my dream I came home from school and my sisters were talking and they both were crying. My one sister was trying to explain things to me. She was saying that she had gone to the doctors finally(she has mo insurance so she hasn't gone in a while) she said that the doctor told her bad news. I started panicking. She was tip toeing around it and I was trying to make seem OK in my mind but I knew it was horrible. Then my other sister said we need to be straight with her. So SHE told me. "Sammie is going to die." She had some sort of heart disease that was killing her very quickly. I asked how long she had and they said Two weeks.
I kept trying to stop it. I wanted to figure out how to save her before the two weeks ended. The dream was horrible and I still have that sick feeling. and I wont see her until tomorrow so...I guess I shall just feel this way.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The ugly truth
Yeah, I'm fat. I weigh approximately 240 lbs. I am too tall, approximately 6ft. I am awkward around people. I have this serious case of diarrhea of the MOUTH and I say the weirdest things. I am masculine in my body type and I have small boobs. I have stretch marks and REALLY big feet. Basically I am a giant. tall AND wide. I am awkward and weird.
But...I am funny. I challenge other's thoughts, I am intelligent in my own way. I have the most insane ability to love and care, I am hopelessly obsessed with vampires. I am not afraid to say something outrageous if it will make someone laugh. I seriously will do Anything for people to laugh so hard that their stomachs ache. I have this weird way of making people happy when I want to. I LOVE to laugh so much, I snort when I laugh, and I just love life. I have a past, but who doesn't?
I have never had a boyfriend. I guess people are too shallow to look beyond my weird and large appearance. No one stays long enough to really get to know me. I am so confused as to why someone can't just like me. I mean...I don't think I am ugly...just awkward. My face is all that i like but, surely there is more to liking someone than just being attracted to them...I only wish that I could understand....why I am so repulsive and not desirable.
But...I am funny. I challenge other's thoughts, I am intelligent in my own way. I have the most insane ability to love and care, I am hopelessly obsessed with vampires. I am not afraid to say something outrageous if it will make someone laugh. I seriously will do Anything for people to laugh so hard that their stomachs ache. I have this weird way of making people happy when I want to. I LOVE to laugh so much, I snort when I laugh, and I just love life. I have a past, but who doesn't?
I have never had a boyfriend. I guess people are too shallow to look beyond my weird and large appearance. No one stays long enough to really get to know me. I am so confused as to why someone can't just like me. I mean...I don't think I am ugly...just awkward. My face is all that i like but, surely there is more to liking someone than just being attracted to them...I only wish that I could understand....why I am so repulsive and not desirable.
sorry love
I am so sorry I didn't fall in love with you. I tried, oh how I tried. I did love you, I cared for you and I even ached for you. but more than that...I loved the thought of loving you. Never was a truly in love with you. And it even hurts to say this because I know it will break my heart in the sense that I am mentally losing my love for you.
It was false, How could I love you? We really don't know each other...but it is as if we do. we have shared something special, and you love me. I can not apologize enough, because I led you on, I led myself on. I let myself believe that I loved you....I really did believe. I am so sorry, because we were perfect in my mind. We needed nothing to make ourselves happy...but each other. And now I realize that it isn't real. My fantasies are JUST that...a fantasy. It hurts...because the residue of the "love" I had for you is so mocking. It mocks me because I gave you up.
Why must the heart and the mind be so contradicting? Why can't I like someone enough to be in love with them...he is so perfect for me, and now why am I not in love with him? Mysteries are frustrating. Love is confusing. And Life is just waiting for us to try and figure it all out.
It was false, How could I love you? We really don't know each other...but it is as if we do. we have shared something special, and you love me. I can not apologize enough, because I led you on, I led myself on. I let myself believe that I loved you....I really did believe. I am so sorry, because we were perfect in my mind. We needed nothing to make ourselves happy...but each other. And now I realize that it isn't real. My fantasies are JUST that...a fantasy. It hurts...because the residue of the "love" I had for you is so mocking. It mocks me because I gave you up.
Why must the heart and the mind be so contradicting? Why can't I like someone enough to be in love with them...he is so perfect for me, and now why am I not in love with him? Mysteries are frustrating. Love is confusing. And Life is just waiting for us to try and figure it all out.
Broken Stars
Kids wish upon a star for dreams. I wished to find him, whoever he is. But no matter how or what or when I wished. When the magic came around, I was missed.
I am wishing upon a broken star, unable to know who you are. And though I've given years of wishes and prayers to you, wish star fairy; You left me in the world alone, so dark and scary.
Please answer a prayer, grant a wish, give to me a true love's kiss.
For I am alone, sad, and unhealthily, wish ing he were here for me.
I am wishing upon a broken star, unable to know who you are. And though I've given years of wishes and prayers to you, wish star fairy; You left me in the world alone, so dark and scary.
Please answer a prayer, grant a wish, give to me a true love's kiss.
For I am alone, sad, and unhealthily, wish ing he were here for me.
I miss you
Speak to me, for I am lost.
Show me the way to be found.
Kill my humanity, Embrace my soul.
Running freely, Truly Whole.
You left me
Alone in the dark
Thinking I still had it.
But it was a lie, you were a lie
They lied to me.
Trust is gone
I am gone
allow me to see
Find my heart and heal it
then return it to me.
It is mine.
I've told you now, that I am NOT fine
You stole away apart of me,
you were unforgiven yesterday
Truly missed today
♥♥
Show me the way to be found.
Kill my humanity, Embrace my soul.
Running freely, Truly Whole.
You left me
Alone in the dark
Thinking I still had it.
But it was a lie, you were a lie
They lied to me.
Trust is gone
I am gone
allow me to see
Find my heart and heal it
then return it to me.
It is mine.
I've told you now, that I am NOT fine
You stole away apart of me,
you were unforgiven yesterday
Truly missed today
♥♥
Faith
When we lose faith and religion we lose so much more. Faith is a reason to live and a purpose in life. Religion is a practice that keeps our humanity fresh and strong. This is coming from someone who, 6 years ago would've given anything to forget about faith and religion because they betrayed me. I'm not saying go to church or pray every night or even pick a religion. But believe in miracles. Have faith in destiny and fate. Because...sometimes it is all that keeps me going. if I didn't believe in the God and the Goddess I'd be so lost. I find comfort in believing that they are watching over me, giving me help here and there. I find solace in the belief that when I walk outside and see living organisms they live and breathe as I do and I like to feel the energies in the wind blowing through my hair. When you stop and think...you just allow your senses to really take everything in, it can be breathtaking.
I hope every one is able to believe in smiting. Believe in LOVE or creativity, miracles or magick, but don't be so cynical and pessimistic. Even believe in science...it is a glorious thing and there are so many mysteries out there.
I hope every one is able to believe in smiting. Believe in LOVE or creativity, miracles or magick, but don't be so cynical and pessimistic. Even believe in science...it is a glorious thing and there are so many mysteries out there.
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