Essays

I am learning more every day how exceptionally good I am at writting essays. I litterally just pulled one out of no where about Iterest Groups in politics and why they aren't as good as they may seem. I am really quite proud of myself.
On another completely unrelated note: I'm thinking of writing more personal things here. Seeing as how no one really reads my blogs and, well, I've run out of people to talk to that I feel comfortable enough telling certain things. But then I might not write much at all.
who knows. Pretty much the only person who might care to read this I already don't mind telling her anything and EVERY thing. She is my sister separated at the ages of 11 and 12. HAHA! We've known eachother literally since my birth and even through the MANY fights and disagreements and personality differences(which trust me there are many) we are still rocking the friendship boat I think. lol, now it might be weird if she does read this since I'm talking about her so much. I'm thinking....if any one does bother to read this than they should give me specific ideas to blog about. like...rather than me saying whatever pours out of my mouth(or brain via fingers) I'll do subkect blogs and give my opinion on certain assigned topics and issues. Like say someone wanted to know my opinipon on abortion I'd write a blog about it. on anything as long as I can find the information to form a semi educated opinion on it. if it is an opinion on your cat however my blog would be limited. hmmm, well no wI think I've written enough nonsense for today....I'm going to go write another blog about  noting in particular that I can actually think about at this moment :) ttfn

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

SOmetimes, I just wish I could change the way I look. I want to make myself exactly how I want to look. I would change my width(actually bone structure) and I would make my freckles fade (at least the ones on my body) my faced freckles are fine. I would make my eyes brighter. I'd lose fat and tone my body and I would make my hair longer with more depth to the color....I'd also make my chin regular ( I has a slight butt chin :/...)

Just one of those days

Today I woke up crying. It was one of those nightmares where everything actually seemed so real...until I woke up and realized how weird it was. But usually I can't do certain things in my dreams, such as use the phone, or drive or really open doors. I could do those things...
So in my dream I came home from school and my sisters were talking and they both were crying. My one sister was trying to explain things to me. She was saying that she had gone to the doctors finally(she has mo insurance so she hasn't gone in a while) she said that the doctor told her bad news. I started panicking. She was tip toeing around it and I was trying to make seem OK in my mind but I knew it was horrible. Then my other sister said we need to be straight with her. So SHE told me. "Sammie is going to die." She had some sort of heart disease that was killing her very quickly. I asked how long she had and they said Two weeks.
I kept trying to stop it. I wanted to figure out how to save her before the two weeks ended. The dream was horrible and I still have that sick feeling. and I wont see her until tomorrow so...I guess I shall just feel this way.

The ugly truth

Yeah, I'm fat. I weigh approximately 240 lbs. I am too tall, approximately 6ft. I am awkward around people. I have this serious case of diarrhea of the MOUTH and I say the weirdest things. I am masculine in my body type and I have small boobs. I have stretch marks and REALLY big feet. Basically I am a giant. tall AND wide. I am awkward and weird.
But...I am funny. I challenge other's thoughts, I am intelligent in my own way. I have the most insane ability to love and care, I am hopelessly obsessed with vampires. I am not afraid to say something outrageous if it will make someone laugh. I seriously will do Anything for people to laugh so hard that their stomachs ache. I have this weird way of making people happy when I want to. I LOVE to laugh so much, I snort when I laugh, and I just love life. I have a past, but who doesn't?
I have never had a boyfriend. I guess people are too shallow to look beyond my weird and large appearance. No one stays long enough to really get to know me. I am so confused as to why someone can't just like me. I mean...I don't think I am ugly...just awkward. My face is all that i like but, surely there is more to liking someone than just being attracted to them...I only wish that I could understand....why I am so repulsive and not desirable.

sorry love

I am so sorry I didn't fall in love with you. I tried, oh how I tried. I did love you, I cared for you and I even ached for you. but more than that...I loved the thought of loving you. Never was a truly in love with you. And it even hurts to say this because I know it will break my heart in the sense that I am mentally losing my love for you.
It was false, How could I love you? We really don't know each other...but it is as if we do. we have shared something special, and you love me. I can not apologize enough, because I led you on, I led myself on. I let myself believe that I loved you....I really did believe. I am so sorry, because we were perfect in my mind. We needed nothing to make ourselves happy...but each other. And now I realize that it isn't real. My fantasies are JUST that...a fantasy. It hurts...because the residue of the "love" I had for you is so mocking. It mocks me because I gave you up.
Why must the heart and the mind be so contradicting? Why can't I like someone enough to be in love with them...he is so perfect for me, and now why am I not in love with him? Mysteries are frustrating. Love is confusing. And Life is just waiting for us to try and figure it all out.

Broken Stars

Kids wish upon a star for dreams. I wished to find him, whoever he is. But no matter how or what or when I wished. When the magic came around, I was missed.
I am wishing upon a broken star, unable to know who you are. And though I've given years of wishes and prayers to you, wish star fairy; You left me in the world alone, so dark and scary.
Please answer a prayer, grant a wish, give to me a true love's kiss.
For I am alone, sad, and unhealthily, wish ing he were here for me.

I miss you

Speak to me, for I am lost.
Show me the way to be found.
Kill my humanity, Embrace my soul.
Running freely, Truly Whole.
You left me
Alone in the dark
Thinking I still had it.
But it was a lie, you were a lie
They lied to me.
Trust is gone
I am gone
allow me to see
Find my heart and heal it
then return it to me.
It is mine.
I've told you now, that I am NOT fine
You stole away apart of me,
you were unforgiven yesterday
Truly missed today
♥♥